Water Me

There is a widespread misconception that those battling with self-destructive psychological conditions such as eating disorders are merely attention-seeking. It's frustrating, as someone afflicted with Anorexia since the age of eleven, to hear the cold judgments of objective outsiders who accuse sufferers of being selfish or pathetic, when we are ultimately all crying out for what every human being needs to survive. We can live without sleep for a given time. We can live without money. Fuck, we can even live without food and water to a certain extent. Of course, to have the luxury of all three would be the optimum lifestyle, but I challenge any one on this earth to attempt to exist without the slightest degree of human contact. It would be a world of senselessness: no sound, no touch, no vision, no taste or scent. Relation to others, acknowledgement, care and attention is our life blood: our elixir of existence. Why are so many condemned for reaching for such a means of vitality in the only way that they can?

One that makes the situation more acutely resistant to change is the complexity of an eating disorder sufferer's mentality. Idiosyncrasies aside, lack of self-worth, low self-esteem and a sense of isolation are often regarded as commonalities amongst those unfortunate enough to spiral into these disorders. Having so little regard for oneself only invites us to crave the respect and recognition and reinforcement from others to compensate for what, quite simply, isn't there. When you're growing up in an unstable environment in which, amidst the chaos of a life-threateningly ill younger sibling followed by the birth of another brother with severe learning difficulties, psychological distress being thrown about the household to an extreme degree and to top it all off the frequent fighting between parents whose relationship is falling apart with disturbing severity you become neglected, it's no wonder that you resort to desperate methods in order to have your voice heard. And, of course, it works. You can get away with nourishing a high-achieving child with an occasional appraising remark, but a daughter who becomes so malnourished that they collapse and begin falling into a coma isn't something that anyone can take so lightly. What a ridiculous thing to do to oneself - driven to the cusp of a self-induced premature demise simply to gain the love so absent within ourselves. But can anyone really be blamed for it? It's more than a coping mechanism, it's a survival strategy. What else is suicide other than a desperate struggle with being alive in a loveless world? None of us want to die - we're all simply searching for a way to live. The physical manifestation of our deepest internal sorrow can seem the only means of having any impact on anything or anyone, most of all ourselves. Misery is inevitable in life but surely no-one could adore such a crippling condition. Has it ever been heard for someone to say: 'Oh, I'm so exquisitely depressed I no longer wish to be alive. What a wonderful, pleasurable feeling.' So of course, we seek an escape. We can't heal our own woes without any reserves to provide the strength, so we cry to others for relief. We'll bleed out the pain, or swallow it down with spirits or substances, or starve our systems dry of it. 

The notion of seeking attention is weighted with various negative connotations in a social structure with a paradoxical concern over such egotistical modesty. Therefore those experiencing psychological disorder, if perceived to be practicing such pathetic provocations would naturally be at least somewhat ostracized by their close critics. The sense of rejection and isolation thus experienced by the sufferer proves to accelerate the vicious cycle even more. No-one cares about you anymore. You might as well disappear. Perhaps your ghost will leave more of an impression. Unless of course the means to your end does generate a reaction: not the elementary intention of course, more a by-product that both saves you from the desperation of loneliness and worthlessness yet also fuels self-destruction through its evidence of success. Our minds and bodies and souls are quite remarkable instruments - the needs we possess as living, breathing creatures transpire in physical behaviours which echo our inner-most cravings. 

What, therefore, could be the remedy for such an acute condition of self-neglect? Some carers practise deliberately ignoring the cries of their child when simply demanding attention, and this approach can have positive results in proving that 'acting up' neither wins favour nor guarantees victory in the power struggle between parent and child. However, there is always a limit to how much anyone can deny their affection from someone they care so deeply about. Even their desperation will come to a climax. There is no easy answer; no guidebook for parents, friends, relatives and carers eager to acquire the secret of how to best nurture their loved one. Succumbing to our destructive attempts to gain the attention we need not only commits the impression that those in authority have given in their control and power to a condition that is far stronger, but it also proves that the injurious cycle does in fact succeed in generating a meaningful emotional response. Rewarding negative behaviour - whether it's through pity, or sympathy, or desperate gestures of intense love - ultimately only compounds it. Absolute neglect on the other hand can be equally detrimental, if not fatal. Eating disorders are known to have the highest mortality rate of any mental illness - with 1 in 5 of those afflicted dying at the hands of their condition it is clear that intensive support and medical supervision is essential. 

In reality there is no perfect equilibrium between distance and care that guarantees that everyone will prevail to be healthy and happy, although I do believe that there are some measures that we can all benefit from. Like raising a child, or disciplining an animal, it's important to remember that caring for anyone is a treatment process. You are treating the individual as much as you are treating the condition. Anyone suffering from any psychological torment, no matter how severe or entrenched the complexities, remains a living, breathing person just as the rest of the human race. They are simply struggling to feel that way. Heal self-loathing with love. Heal deprivation with nourishment. Heal unhappiness with hope. Heal distress with comfort. Appeal to the lost child beneath the manipulative disease that has possessed them - they are still in there, and always will be if you maintain faith in their existence. Becoming frustrated is quite natural but in my experience rarely productive for either carers or sufferers given that it typically only further dampens the spirit of someone who feels guilty for existing. Positive reinforcement from a caring place, provided it is a non-excessive gesture delivered in the right context and manner, can naturally encourage positive behaviour; whereas overt emotional responses and remarks to negative aspects of the treatment process often only fuel the part of the mind which thrives on the attention obtained through regression. Optimism won't always be met with gratitude - 'you're doing so well' is rarely what someone mourning the loss of a loved one for example would wish to hear when it feels as though their world is crashing down around them - but it can be an illuminating prospect in dark moments. We all want to be able to have our faith in life and belief in ourselves restored, but it's a delicate procedure of trust, positivity and caution. 

Loving someone is a difficult balance to maintain. It's important to remember that learning to love yourself is harder still.