Confusion

Eating shouldn't be processed as a negative exchange in your mind. It should be a positive: that function is completed, now to get on with the next task which I will now have the energy to accomplish without intrusion from that darker side of my brain, thank you very much. You might get the odd funny thought. We all do. The fleeting, bizarre idea to commit strange acts - stopping dead still and ceasing to live quite suddenly, or taking a machine gun and doing away with lots of bad people without remorse - the condition of the mind's obscurest realms saturated with dark secrecy seals our occasional seduction by the macabre and the morose. We are human. We will have the odd depressive thought.  Switch it off. Go somewhere else. Take your mind away from it. Say no. Disengage in the excruciating cycle of negativity which will ensue so viciously if you allow it to.

You've deceived yourself for so long now into a trap of fatalistic thinking: believing what's good is bad, what's bad is good. Recovery then, is perhaps another process of kidology: an art of teaching yourself the exact opposite of what your entrenched beliefs suggest. The hardest part is that there is a distinct awareness, deep down, that your thinking is wrong - but the thoughts continue to revolve until they are satisfied. I know that I should accept food, but it doesn't change the reality that every part of me wants to reject it. 

It is a dangerously distorted mindset to be in, but I know I have to conquer it. I have to find my way once more amidst this surreal fucking landscape I am lost in. I do. You do. We all do. 

We have to put aside these soul-destroying fears and extinguish the reactive guilt complexes that flare when we confront such anxieties of natural human processes. We're all bound by this mortal coil. We can't ignore our most native survival instincts. 

We all have these instincts. Even the animals possess them. The tigers have them. The cats have them. Even the fucking bees have them. In fact the former feline goes as far as to chase and kill his meaty fare before he eats it. Imagine that. They go to the lengths of savaging and hunting to survive where you turn your nose up at sustenance! As though you have the choice to avoid it. Try to argue that to Charles Darwin. "A living creature - disbelieving, as much as rejecting, the vital function to eat and drink? Preposterous. Lock her away. She's mad I tell you!" It is madness. We're all the same, us living, breathing creatures.

I tell you though that these cats are a lot wiser yet a lot cruder about it than we are; they rely a lot more on pure predatory instinct than the complex emotion and psychology our instinct is abstracted by. You can re-harness that. It's just an operation of adapting your coping mechanisms and manipulating the energies invested to them toward the functions compatible with sustaining existence. You're young. That's not your fault. You're just not quite yet so experienced at the ways of life as I. But, therefore, your pliant vernal mind rendered by youth as lacking in the cluttered remnants of age and time has much room to grow and generous potential to accommodate the acquisition of fresh knowledge. You have the capability to learn quite quickly. You will get there.

But such bright perceptivity dictates that it is not solely good attributes that are so quickly attained but also detrimental behaviours. Ceremonial distress induced by mistreatment and malpractice are just as swiftly absorbed, perhaps more so, than examples of healthy behaviours and circumstances which remain buried under the ghosts of pain. We tend to remain quite irrevocably heavied by past experience of suffering, whilst light aspects are far more difficult to upwardly reach from our groundling's inelevated mileu. Thus such dampening influences can more readily impress our hearts and minds when facing life's necessities now poisoned by their presence. They prey on the mind and make it difficult to normally function, after the severe impression they have left our foreheads branded with as though we were the oppressed female victims of a bygone patriarchal society who said they had sold their souls for make a living. It's no wonder our practices of our existence have been jolted and confused in the context of such disturbance. How can we continue to live after years of indoctrinated torment? 

You can choose to be a twisted fuckup if you want to. You can choose to succumb to your fearful delusions - anyone can - or we can expunge those pervasive negativities in favour of what we know, deep and deeper down, what is the truth. The truth is the stone-grounded foundation upon which we can stand in absolute confidence without the dizzying vertigo of living within a cloud-foggied reality. The truth will catch us if we fall or falter upon fear. The truth is the eternal assurance we can always rely on. And the truth is in this life that we all need to eat and drink to survive. We know it so we must trust it in spite of our fear's distortions. 

Time for some beans on toast.