Fame

Fame is a unique and seemingly surreal state which epitomises being known by many - though that's relative, I suppose. Everyone has their own judgement of celebrity, and their own motive to seek, or to avoid it. For me beginning a social support network via youtube was never about gaining popularity, or attention or fortune of any kind; it was about sharing my experiences in the hope of helping someone out there suffering similar misery to feel less alone. That isn't to say that it was instigated without any suggestion of subconscious selfishness: perhaps there was always a part of me that relished having a means of venting my woes, and even a faint hope that it could somehow serve as a form of self-medication, persuading me away from the self-destructive tendencies that I preach to others to avoid. Sadly it hasn't revolutionised anything in terms of the ongoing struggle with psychological turmoil experienced by many others as well as myself in the way I so blindly hoped it would. 

Being so acutely perceptive of the world around me, unconsciously or otherwise, has rendered me with an awareness to the general conception surrounding the process and effects of being so widely known. One pervasive assumption I have noted entails the belief that figures in the public eye cannot cope with the overwhelming effects of fame: the perpetual scrutiny, not being able to leave the house without being recognised, a great pressure to consistently achieve. This sudden and intense influx of public speculation triggers these individuals to succumb to universally-considered as 'unhealthy' means of coping including promiscuity, addiction or eccentricity; or, 'go off-the-rails' entirely in a spectacular fall from grace ending only in insanity and shame. There is truth in that, of course. Bowie's alter-ego, Ziggy Stardust was broadly suggested to be his idiosyncratic mechanism for dealing with fame - Bowie itself was a pseudonym, his real name was David Jones.  Amy Winehouse's battle with addiction and mental health ultimately leading to her tragic death was, I have heard, an attempt to survive the vast impact of being so renowned. 

The truth is, for me, and I imagine many, that degradation, delirium or decline isn't a natural response to fame itself. It is in fact, an answer to the mystifying injustice pervading the world outside it. The fact that these things happen often at the height of public adoration, or at least speculation, is merely coincidence; guaranteed by the bitter disappointment at the reality that no matter how acclaimed you are and how far-rangingly your voice is head, it can never change the cruelty of the world you are experiencing. Taking a philanthropist approach to your swelling income and funding charities will never stop children starving in Africa. Producing videos discussing mental health topics can never change every stigma, raise all the awareness needed for true change or inspire the hope to stop someone taking their life. Not even creating a melody so blissful to the senses and nourishing to the soul like the silvery tongue of a deistic power could switch every being on earth into a state of perfect harmony. We hope that every effort helps, but in truth it will never be enough. Nothing ever changes. 

There is an uncomfortable collective atmosphere associated with knowledge of the 'twenty-seven' club - that is, the group of celebrities including Jim Morrison of The Doors, Jimi Hendrix, Amy Winehouse, Nick Drake,  Brian Jones of The Rolling Stones, Janis Joplin, Kurt Cobain, etc. - but there really is no eerie coincidence to it. The fact is that talent is both a blessing and a curse: it makes you extraordinarily good at what you do given your heightened perception and depth of emotion; but accompanied to these accentuated factors you cannot help but notice the state of the world around you. The world around you kind of hurts, but it's not something you can get out of in a hurry; thus forms of escape such as psychological distraction become a means of survival. In the words of Nietzsche: 'Examine the lives of the best and most fruitful people and peoples and ask yourselves whether a tree that is supposed to grow to a proud height can dispense with bad weather and storms; whether misfortune and external resistance, some kinds of hatred, jealousy, stubbornness, mistrust, hardness, avarice, and violence do not belong among the favorable conditions without which any great growth even of virtue is scarcely possible.' Suffering is an inevitable component of personal growth,  for those exceptionally gifted in particular. Apparently it's hard being brilliant. It just so happened that was the case for these musicians - their age shouldn't distinguish that as curious. 

'Ziggy' was in fact an elaborate take on the common tendency of the rich and famous to indulging in the strange or condemned, not a genuine attempt to follow suit. I'm sure there was heart in it somewhere, I'd love to ask Bowie myself; but I tend to foster the belief that it was more of a fantastic parody of the ways of the world which people eventually began to adore the man for even more. Either way it goes to show that there is some bizarre ritual for stars to behave in certain ways or follow certain downward spirals, which is even alluded to within the industry itself as the former example would show. 

We all pray that our actions and words will count. Maybe our glory will set hearts on fire and our voices will motivate millions; but maybe not. I frequently doubt the positive impact that I have had on those who claim to praise and appreciate me. This is not intended  as a brutal declaration of damnation toward the situation I have got myself into for I do recognise the vast benefits that come with it - I value the support of the community more than I will ever be able to express; but when all is said and done it cannot save me. Salvation can only come from the self. 

Fame doesn't change what you need it to. It doesn't change the fact that my personal statement for Oxford University has to be severed by some hundred precious words as a consequence of my recent discovery at the (intolerably pedantic) character count being at 4000 characters including spaces as oppose to the 4500 I had believed was the case; and, following that, incorporated into my UCAS application that I cannot even access given that, fate being against me as ever, the website is declining my login details despite every conviction that I am inputting them correctly for it is their mistake not mine - in the context of the deadline for the whole process being tomorrow night, with me unable to articulate any means of linguistically outstanding and persuasive résumé amidst my total exhaustion, only this ridiculous blogpost which only proves what a pathetic human being I truly am. It doesn't change the fact that I have achieved nothing with my day besides crying; venting my aggressive despair in screams or curses or general aversion upon anyone who dares to aggravate my emotional instability further through their incessant demands and complaints; as well, of course, as becoming utterly consumed my this demon that is known as anorexia. I've been self-inflicting absolute turmoil from the moment I woke up when I should have been completing my personal statement, or doing the artwork which is due for sixth form tomorrow, or, given that Iain is unexpectedly working in Leeds this weekend maybe even moving the stock into and setting up the market stall in Littlehampton which, having signed the lease and paid for, we will be launching on Tuesday - the one task I had set myself which even I had falsely maintained the faith would be achieved over the weekend's course. 

In truth fame merely adds to the commotion of everyday life. Rushing between my home at Barnham with Mum, my home at Eastbourne with Dad, sixth form and my new home at Iain's in Worthing is essentially a juggling act, and undoubtedly taxing on the emotions as well as an already sleep and food-deprived body. Waking up and leaving him in bed most mornings to catch the earliest train I can manage back to Barnham for school is painful, and, increasingly, a stark reminder of how difficult it all is... even dare I say it how curious it feels to be leaving behind the adult life of the previous night beneath those sheets and in his arms in exchange for a day of something so disparate: with superficial gossip which of course I will duly smile along with, and homework tasks that I promise to all parties that I will accomplish, and, during minutes snatched for a quick cigarette the comparatively dull sting of the October air invading my ears as oppose to his tender words. At times it all feels rather strange, and something I think very few could understand, no matter how many people think they know me and my life. Of course I could never try to explain every aspect of my existence to those around me for I'm expected to stay strong, if not from others then from myself. I must give the advice people want, answer their questions about their symptoms or suffering, and be a good example in return - glimpses of the true severity of everything that is going on are rare, even rendered insignificant in contrast to the reality of my circumstances. There are few who I can turn to to divulge everything now. My closest friends have essentially evaporated from my life after leaving for university - besides the odd communication which, although always lovely to receive can never compensate for face-to-face daily contact. It's hard to see everyone getting on with their lives, making their way in the world whilst I stay stuck in this mess. My relationship with my Mum is often particularly taught of late, and it's quite clear she has very little time for me, understandably perhaps, diminishing any chance of an emotional alliance forming. Unfortunately I feel I cannot burden my Dad with it all either given that he has only just been discharged from hospital after having to have three stents inserted into the arteries in his heart. Remaining upbeat is beginning to feel like a personal responsibility particularly in terms of him, when I always feel guilty for being the reason of his health problems - "...caused by all this stress.." he would always empathically say. The duties I appear to have landed myself with are quite literally never-ending.  It is incredibly hard to be committed to so many things at once, when you have very little commitment to life at all. 

Fame doesn't change the morbidly depressive weather outside, which not only restricted me being able to go for a walk with my dog to boost my spirits but also the convenience of stress-relieving cigarette breaks. This considered I was forced to resort to having this evening's desperately needed smoke in my bedroom, hoping that the odour wouldn't somehow escape through the rolled up dressing gown beneath door and permeate the surrounding areas downstairs - not that I could hardly inhale it anyway given that I am evidently incubating a horrible throat infection or virus of some sort. That combined with feeling like shit ninety percent of the time anyway as well as (let's not forget) a foot apparently quite severely injured after falling down a flight of concrete stairs over a week and a half ago whilst running for the train from Worthing to make it on time for sixth form do NOT constitute as someone fit and ready for whatever challenge they face. 

No degree of distinction, unless it were to accompany a substantial fortune, could alter the hugely unsettling reality that our house is officially on the market due to circumstances pertaining to my parents' divorce last year; and that, finances, logistics and lack or resolve as to where we are going to end up considered, soon we may find our struggling family in undersized and inadequate accommodation. Whichever angle you consider it from, even with optimism promising a 'fresh new start' for us all, moving house is an upheaval to say the least and only adds to the growing sense of instability upon which my existence is currently founded. 

Irrespective of what our situation is financially, our family crisis will persist. My brother's (assumed to be) post-traumatic stress induced period of psychosis, or perhaps even developing schizophrenia is a source of great worry which no height of popularity could alleviate. No matter how many hands there are somewhere in the world to applaud me, or comfort me, or guide me, there will never be enough to go around managing all the responsibilities within the household; including looking after Tristan when he is in distress, attending to Rowan who - despite all joyfulness - has energy levels at time so boisterous that they demand more attention than any superhuman could devote, and caring for me. It seems more often than not I fall to the bottom of the pile in recent times, amidst the frenzied chaos of sorting the house and doting on everyone else. All the fame in the world can mean nothing when you feel neglected, even frequently unwelcome, in your own home. 

Even though I have so much support and thousands of people apparently taking an interest in my experiences I am still struggling beyond belief. Every day is a battle that I could never even begin to describe. With such expectation placed and such inspiration seemingly evoked I feel guilty for failing to eat little more than a small meal each day, and often failing to allow this to nourish me: instead resorting to what I realise are repulsive behaviours to expunge what seems like poison from my body. It does not stop me from feeling worthless, grotesque and pathetic. It does not settle the volatility in temperament - the moments of acute misery or rage or terror; the truly disorientating episodes of dissociation; the sense of being so overwhelmed with the world that I'd be better off out of it. Fame certainly does not bestow miraculous cures.

In essence, fame may change your future but it cannot change your past. Its effect on the present even has its limitations - its tendrils are not so far-reaching so as to benevolently transform the muddied chaos of your personal life into a field of roses. And never can it ever hope to change the world. 

What has been the precipitating factor behind any change I am experiencing at the moment has been, as trite as it may sound: love. Amy didn't become trapped in a fatal cycle of self-abuse because she couldn't stand fame. It's because she couldn't get the one person she truly loved. No-one can imagine the magnitude of love and everything it entails until they are, quite simply, in it. It is a bittersweet thing. It can make you want to laugh and it can make you want to weep; it can give you lust for life for once but it can also make you want to die. The only certainty is that we all long for it and would go to any length for it: whether it be romantic love, platonic affection or devotion to a child. Why? For me, it makes things feel valuable. It puts things in a pleasing geometric arrangement that somehow seems so much easier to observe, or at least worthwhile enduring. Feeling loved, really loved by someone else - despite every wavering moment of disbelief I have that any such feeling toward my pathetic self could ever be sincere - almost conveys that I could have meaning on this earth, that perhaps I do deserve to be cared for, maybe even by myself. The shifting ground beneath my feet owes most of its movement from that abstract state we call love. 

The judgement of others is a source of great frustration for me. Accusations (whether valid or not) that I am clearly 'going downhill' physically with weight declining and blood levels becoming increasingly unstable, not to mention slipping into new means of 'abusing my body' through being, quite frankly, out of my head on something - are undeniably hurtful: is humanity truly that shallow that the state of my life can be assumed by the way I outwardly appear? Does anyone care that since being in a relationship I have eaten for the first time in seven years with someone who isn't either of my parents or a nurse? Does anyone care that I have put enough trust in someone to allow them not only to become close to me and to love, but even to feed me? No-one gives a damn about the courage and strength it takes to get through a meal, let alone how much of myself I am putting on the line when I eat new foods (which by the way have not always been oil-free) or close my eyes and allow him to place another bite in my mouth when I can't do it myself. Perhaps I'll get a small round of applause for my efforts, but there will always be the nagging complaints that it still isn't enough, or that it doesn't matter anyway because you were on drugs while you were eating. I can only wish that people could understand that I am trying harder than ever before. Really trying to eat for something other than simply the immediate threat of hospitalisation is quite foreign to me but something I am just beginning to comprehend. That is what I want people to see. I want it to be known that despite it all, this is enriching me in every way. I feel alive for the first time in years. I still have my faults and don't I know it - but apologising for being human is something I need to grow out of. 

As much as I adore my followers and wish them every goodness in life, I know that I'd instantly trade the small fame of being loved by many for being loved by this one forever.