I wrote an abridged list of my miseries - forgive the total lack of eloquence as well as the many things I omitted - in the hope that the cathartic process of their expression will give clearance for brighter things to grow. It's time to burn this all and start a fresh tomorrow for the very last time.
I have no place to call home and sofa-surfing is incredibly draining and demoralising
I am a problem - I'm a burden to anyone and everyone I spend any length of time around given that I can't control my emotions or my eating disordered behaviours and I'm tired of making everyone's lives a misery as well as my own
I don't have the money to find my own place and the services can't work quickly enough
This has quite possibly been the worst half term of all time - I spent my Halloween trekking around Sussex for six hours looking for somewhere to spend the night instead of having a good time with my friends or family
I don't feel supported or cared for anymore; not even by my own mother who I had thought I could depend on. Even though I forgive her I cannot forget the hurtful things she has said and done. I cannot shake the feelings of betrayal, and for her now to deny moral support in me finding somewhere else to stay is only making me feel more alone than ever. I didn't watch her spend years in a severely unhappy relationship with my Dad and learn nothing - there is no denying that we need time and space from each other before the situation deteriorates any more. Right now it is only a ticking time bomb before another dangerous situation explodes between us when I feel suicidal whenever I am in the house
I don't want to be sad anymore but I don't know how to be happy
I can't find peace anywhere
I am ugly and fat - I'm not even thin enough to be deserving of pity
I can't seem to do any work for sixth form as I'm overwhelmed by misery and anxiety at my situation
My bedroom is a mess
I can't sleep without having horrible nightmares - when I slept last I dreamt that I was being raped and no-one would help me and then that someone attacking me leapt onto my back and I didn't have the strength to shake them off
I'm exhausted by the constant battle against food, against fear, against sadness, against anger; against myself
I feel physically terrible - I'm tired of feeling like shit 99% of the time and being under the weather with a cold coming on doesn't help AT all
I'm worried about my brother Tristan as I know he is struggling mentally but there seems very little I can do to help him
Every effort I make to help others is never enough - if I make breakfast in bed for my Mum, babysit my brothers and cook them dinner, get myself to work without troubling anyone for a lift to save me struggling all the way to the station… it is only appreciated for the briefest of moments before I get shit for something else
I'm tired of being spoken about so negatively behind my back by members of my own family and I'm sure thought of negatively all the time
I'm horrifically worried about the ELAT test on Wednesday as I'm the least prepared I've ever been for any test in my life. I gave one of the books from Oxford University I could have used to revise from to a patient at my last unit to read and I think she has died which makes me more miserable than you can imagine and also means that there is no chance of me getting it back
I feel like I am letting everyone down by failing to reply to messages or letters in good time but I don't want to respond when I'm in such a bad place when I desperately wish to be a positive influence to others
It makes me bitterly sad to see all my friends getting on with their lives - my sixth form friends now flourishing at university, many of those I know from various inpatient units now recovering from their conditions and loving life again - all whilst I remain stuck
I miss my friends more than I can say
I can't forget the things I have seen: E being brutally force-fed as I cried and girls screamed and tried to escape; L slitting her wrists with my paint tile that I had left on the table and seeing the blood that drenched her bedroom floor; T vomiting in the washing machine before she was restrained and injected in her room where she screamed 'rape' for hours on end; walking past the isolated ward on the AMU a few days following my worst overdose and seeing a lady being resuscitated after a heart attack, then returning after my cigarette for her to be gone...
I can't forget the things that I've experienced: being taken advantage of by a guy I didn't know when I was paralytically drunk those years ago; having the naso-gastric tube inserted up my nose and into my stomach to be sedated and drip-fed constantly for three weeks; watching my life slur by in strange dream-like scenes as my present senses began to diminish and vitality faded whilst I was at A&E during my physical worst; being conspired against by mental health professionals when they assessed me for sectioning without my knowledge before admitting me to an institution that has left me permanently traumatized; being screamed and spat at by a woman suffering from severe Anorexia herself and told I was a selfish cow who didn't deserve to be here; being rushed off in an ambulance after my fourth major overdose, impaled with needles and wires as the sirens screamed; having my own mother grip my wrists nearly to breaking point before we fought so viciously until she called the police…
No-one understands how I feel
I want everything to go away but I'm judged for any means of escapism that I resort to
I don't know where to go or who to turn to
I miss my boyfriend and I am ashamed to see him tomorrow when I don't deserve him and he doesn't deserve to be burdened with me. I am terrified that I will lose him for I know I will not survive that loss
Fame is a unique and seemingly surreal state which epitomises being known by many - though that's relative, I suppose. Everyone has their own judgement of celebrity, and their own motive to seek, or to avoid it. For me beginning a social support network via youtube was never about gaining popularity, or attention or fortune of any kind; it was about sharing my experiences in the hope of helping someone out there suffering similar misery to feel less alone. That isn't to say that it was instigated without any suggestion of subconscious selfishness: perhaps there was always a part of me that relished having a means of venting my woes, and even a faint hope that it could somehow serve as a form of self-medication, persuading me away from the self-destructive tendencies that I preach to others to avoid. Sadly it hasn't revolutionised anything in terms of the ongoing struggle with psychological turmoil experienced by many others as well as myself in the way I so blindly hoped it would.
Being so acutely perceptive of the world around me, unconsciously or otherwise, has rendered me with an awareness to the general conception surrounding the process and effects of being so widely known. One pervasive assumption I have noted entails the belief that figures in the public eye cannot cope with the overwhelming effects of fame: the perpetual scrutiny, not being able to leave the house without being recognised, a great pressure to consistently achieve. This sudden and intense influx of public speculation triggers these individuals to succumb to universally-considered as 'unhealthy' means of coping including promiscuity, addiction or eccentricity; or, 'go off-the-rails' entirely in a spectacular fall from grace ending only in insanity and shame. There is truth in that, of course. Bowie's alter-ego, Ziggy Stardust was broadly suggested to be his idiosyncratic mechanism for dealing with fame - Bowie itself was a pseudonym, his real name was David Jones. Amy Winehouse's battle with addiction and mental health ultimately leading to her tragic death was, I have heard, an attempt to survive the vast impact of being so renowned.
The truth is, for me, and I imagine many, that degradation, delirium or decline isn't a natural response to fame itself. It is in fact, an answer to the mystifying injustice pervading the world outside it. The fact that these things happen often at the height of public adoration, or at least speculation, is merely coincidence; guaranteed by the bitter disappointment at the reality that no matter how acclaimed you are and how far-rangingly your voice is head, it can never change the cruelty of the world you are experiencing. Taking a philanthropist approach to your swelling income and funding charities will never stop children starving in Africa. Producing videos discussing mental health topics can never change every stigma, raise all the awareness needed for true change or inspire the hope to stop someone taking their life. Not even creating a melody so blissful to the senses and nourishing to the soul like the silvery tongue of a deistic power could switch every being on earth into a state of perfect harmony. We hope that every effort helps, but in truth it will never be enough. Nothing ever changes.
There is an uncomfortable collective atmosphere associated with knowledge of the 'twenty-seven' club - that is, the group of celebrities including Jim Morrison of The Doors, Jimi Hendrix, Amy Winehouse, Nick Drake, Brian Jones of The Rolling Stones, Janis Joplin, Kurt Cobain, etc. - but there really is no eerie coincidence to it. The fact is that talent is both a blessing and a curse: it makes you extraordinarily good at what you do given your heightened perception and depth of emotion; but accompanied to these accentuated factors you cannot help but notice the state of the world around you. The world around you kind of hurts, but it's not something you can get out of in a hurry; thus forms of escape such as psychological distraction become a means of survival. In the words of Nietzsche: 'Examine the lives of the best and most fruitful people and peoples and ask yourselves whether a tree that is supposed to grow to a proud height can dispense with bad weather and storms; whether misfortune and external resistance, some kinds of hatred, jealousy, stubbornness, mistrust, hardness, avarice, and violence do not belong among the favorable conditions without which any great growth even of virtue is scarcely possible.' Suffering is an inevitable component of personal growth, for those exceptionally gifted in particular. Apparently it's hard being brilliant. It just so happened that was the case for these musicians - their age shouldn't distinguish that as curious.
'Ziggy' was in fact an elaborate take on the common tendency of the rich and famous to indulging in the strange or condemned, not a genuine attempt to follow suit. I'm sure there was heart in it somewhere, I'd love to ask Bowie myself; but I tend to foster the belief that it was more of a fantastic parody of the ways of the world which people eventually began to adore the man for even more. Either way it goes to show that there is some bizarre ritual for stars to behave in certain ways or follow certain downward spirals, which is even alluded to within the industry itself as the former example would show.
We all pray that our actions and words will count. Maybe our glory will set hearts on fire and our voices will motivate millions; but maybe not. I frequently doubt the positive impact that I have had on those who claim to praise and appreciate me. This is not intended as a brutal declaration of damnation toward the situation I have got myself into for I do recognise the vast benefits that come with it - I value the support of the community more than I will ever be able to express; but when all is said and done it cannot save me. Salvation can only come from the self.
Fame doesn't change what you need it to. It doesn't change the fact that my personal statement for Oxford University has to be severed by some hundred precious words as a consequence of my recent discovery at the (intolerably pedantic) character count being at 4000 characters including spaces as oppose to the 4500 I had believed was the case; and, following that, incorporated into my UCAS application that I cannot even access given that, fate being against me as ever, the website is declining my login details despite every conviction that I am inputting them correctly for it is their mistake not mine - in the context of the deadline for the whole process being tomorrow night, with me unable to articulate any means of linguistically outstanding and persuasive résumé amidst my total exhaustion, only this ridiculous blogpost which only proves what a pathetic human being I truly am. It doesn't change the fact that I have achieved nothing with my day besides crying; venting my aggressive despair in screams or curses or general aversion upon anyone who dares to aggravate my emotional instability further through their incessant demands and complaints; as well, of course, as becoming utterly consumed my this demon that is known as anorexia. I've been self-inflicting absolute turmoil from the moment I woke up when I should have been completing my personal statement, or doing the artwork which is due for sixth form tomorrow, or, given that Iain is unexpectedly working in Leeds this weekend maybe even moving the stock into and setting up the market stall in Littlehampton which, having signed the lease and paid for, we will be launching on Tuesday - the one task I had set myself which even I had falsely maintained the faith would be achieved over the weekend's course.
In truth fame merely adds to the commotion of everyday life. Rushing between my home at Barnham with Mum, my home at Eastbourne with Dad, sixth form and my new home at Iain's in Worthing is essentially a juggling act, and undoubtedly taxing on the emotions as well as an already sleep and food-deprived body. Waking up and leaving him in bed most mornings to catch the earliest train I can manage back to Barnham for school is painful, and, increasingly, a stark reminder of how difficult it all is... even dare I say it how curious it feels to be leaving behind the adult life of the previous night beneath those sheets and in his arms in exchange for a day of something so disparate: with superficial gossip which of course I will duly smile along with, and homework tasks that I promise to all parties that I will accomplish, and, during minutes snatched for a quick cigarette the comparatively dull sting of the October air invading my ears as oppose to his tender words. At times it all feels rather strange, and something I think very few could understand, no matter how many people think they know me and my life. Of course I could never try to explain every aspect of my existence to those around me for I'm expected to stay strong, if not from others then from myself. I must give the advice people want, answer their questions about their symptoms or suffering, and be a good example in return - glimpses of the true severity of everything that is going on are rare, even rendered insignificant in contrast to the reality of my circumstances. There are few who I can turn to to divulge everything now. My closest friends have essentially evaporated from my life after leaving for university - besides the odd communication which, although always lovely to receive can never compensate for face-to-face daily contact. It's hard to see everyone getting on with their lives, making their way in the world whilst I stay stuck in this mess. My relationship with my Mum is often particularly taught of late, and it's quite clear she has very little time for me, understandably perhaps, diminishing any chance of an emotional alliance forming. Unfortunately I feel I cannot burden my Dad with it all either given that he has only just been discharged from hospital after having to have three stents inserted into the arteries in his heart. Remaining upbeat is beginning to feel like a personal responsibility particularly in terms of him, when I always feel guilty for being the reason of his health problems - "...caused by all this stress.." he would always empathically say. The duties I appear to have landed myself with are quite literally never-ending. It is incredibly hard to be committed to so many things at once, when you have very little commitment to life at all.
Fame doesn't change the morbidly depressive weather outside, which not only restricted me being able to go for a walk with my dog to boost my spirits but also the convenience of stress-relieving cigarette breaks. This considered I was forced to resort to having this evening's desperately needed smoke in my bedroom, hoping that the odour wouldn't somehow escape through the rolled up dressing gown beneath door and permeate the surrounding areas downstairs - not that I could hardly inhale it anyway given that I am evidently incubating a horrible throat infection or virus of some sort. That combined with feeling like shit ninety percent of the time anyway as well as (let's not forget) a foot apparently quite severely injured after falling down a flight of concrete stairs over a week and a half ago whilst running for the train from Worthing to make it on time for sixth form do NOT constitute as someone fit and ready for whatever challenge they face.
No degree of distinction, unless it were to accompany a substantial fortune, could alter the hugely unsettling reality that our house is officially on the market due to circumstances pertaining to my parents' divorce last year; and that, finances, logistics and lack or resolve as to where we are going to end up considered, soon we may find our struggling family in undersized and inadequate accommodation. Whichever angle you consider it from, even with optimism promising a 'fresh new start' for us all, moving house is an upheaval to say the least and only adds to the growing sense of instability upon which my existence is currently founded.
Irrespective of what our situation is financially, our family crisis will persist. My brother's (assumed to be) post-traumatic stress induced period of psychosis, or perhaps even developing schizophrenia is a source of great worry which no height of popularity could alleviate. No matter how many hands there are somewhere in the world to applaud me, or comfort me, or guide me, there will never be enough to go around managing all the responsibilities within the household; including looking after Tristan when he is in distress, attending to Rowan who - despite all joyfulness - has energy levels at time so boisterous that they demand more attention than any superhuman could devote, and caring for me. It seems more often than not I fall to the bottom of the pile in recent times, amidst the frenzied chaos of sorting the house and doting on everyone else. All the fame in the world can mean nothing when you feel neglected, even frequently unwelcome, in your own home.
Even though I have so much support and thousands of people apparently taking an interest in my experiences I am still struggling beyond belief. Every day is a battle that I could never even begin to describe. With such expectation placed and such inspiration seemingly evoked I feel guilty for failing to eat little more than a small meal each day, and often failing to allow this to nourish me: instead resorting to what I realise are repulsive behaviours to expunge what seems like poison from my body. It does not stop me from feeling worthless, grotesque and pathetic. It does not settle the volatility in temperament - the moments of acute misery or rage or terror; the truly disorientating episodes of dissociation; the sense of being so overwhelmed with the world that I'd be better off out of it. Fame certainly does not bestow miraculous cures.
In essence, fame may change your future but it cannot change your past. Its effect on the present even has its limitations - its tendrils are not so far-reaching so as to benevolently transform the muddied chaos of your personal life into a field of roses. And never can it ever hope to change the world.
What has been the precipitating factor behind any change I am experiencing at the moment has been, as trite as it may sound: love. Amy didn't become trapped in a fatal cycle of self-abuse because she couldn't stand fame. It's because she couldn't get the one person she truly loved. No-one can imagine the magnitude of love and everything it entails until they are, quite simply, in it. It is a bittersweet thing. It can make you want to laugh and it can make you want to weep; it can give you lust for life for once but it can also make you want to die. The only certainty is that we all long for it and would go to any length for it: whether it be romantic love, platonic affection or devotion to a child. Why? For me, it makes things feel valuable. It puts things in a pleasing geometric arrangement that somehow seems so much easier to observe, or at least worthwhile enduring. Feeling loved, really loved by someone else - despite every wavering moment of disbelief I have that any such feeling toward my pathetic self could ever be sincere - almost conveys that I could have meaning on this earth, that perhaps I do deserve to be cared for, maybe even by myself. The shifting ground beneath my feet owes most of its movement from that abstract state we call love.
The judgement of others is a source of great frustration for me. Accusations (whether valid or not) that I am clearly 'going downhill' physically with weight declining and blood levels becoming increasingly unstable, not to mention slipping into new means of 'abusing my body' through being, quite frankly, out of my head on something - are undeniably hurtful: is humanity truly that shallow that the state of my life can be assumed by the way I outwardly appear? Does anyone care that since being in a relationship I have eaten for the first time in seven years with someone who isn't either of my parents or a nurse? Does anyone care that I have put enough trust in someone to allow them not only to become close to me and to love, but even to feed me? No-one gives a damn about the courage and strength it takes to get through a meal, let alone how much of myself I am putting on the line when I eat new foods (which by the way have not always been oil-free) or close my eyes and allow him to place another bite in my mouth when I can't do it myself. Perhaps I'll get a small round of applause for my efforts, but there will always be the nagging complaints that it still isn't enough, or that it doesn't matter anyway because you were on drugs while you were eating. I can only wish that people could understand that I am trying harder than ever before. Really trying to eat for something other than simply the immediate threat of hospitalisation is quite foreign to me but something I am just beginning to comprehend. That is what I want people to see. I want it to be known that despite it all, this is enriching me in every way. I feel alive for the first time in years. I still have my faults and don't I know it - but apologising for being human is something I need to grow out of.
As much as I adore my followers and wish them every goodness in life, I know that I'd instantly trade the small fame of being loved by many for being loved by this one forever.
I feel in an incredibly good and an incredibly bad place all at the same time. Is that possible?
I could never have imagined when lying upon those stiff hospital sheets in the acute medical unit - struggling to breathe or even move besides being sporadically overwhelmed by waves of intense nausea after my fourth and worst overdose - that I would be sitting in a bar in a campsite in France on a family holiday, as emotionally settled as I have been in recent weeks.
I may well have suffered a gut full of despair over the latter weeks but I have certainly been enlightened with some pearls of wisdom and my God it has left me with good vibes. I don't know how long they can last and of course there are often moments of distress but it truly feels like I am finally on the cusp of something new; I have discovered a state which is quite refreshing, quite inexplicable - euphoric.
I suppose that in a sense it is interesting, given that the majority of people preach that recovery equals true happiness. Perhaps the existence that I'm experiencing now is purely delusional, but it's surely an improvement from the utter despair that I knew previously. It would be hard to define particularly what has changed since then, besides the fact that I have allowed quite completely for my impulsivity and mania to take over when they have arisen and not given much regard for the consequences - unwise, perhaps: but exciting, most definitely. It feels like in meeting the new people that I have that I have gained insights that they have renewed me both physically and psychologically.
Perhaps my present elation is a counterpart to my physical decline which I cannot deny has its downsides too - losing feeling in my limbs and face as well as uncontrollable bouts of shaking can be embarrassing at the best of times - but then there is that twisted gratification rendered by the effects of emaciation.
It's hard to believe that it was only a couple of weeks ago that I was close to death. I wouldn't say I feel higher than ever now, but then that would be a precarious position for me to be in for heights of mania only lead to crushing falls. Contentedness is truly quite blissful. The calm after a tempestuous storm.
For once I am proud of myself too. I can take every day as a victory. I made it through the toughest heart break I have ever suffered, one that I could never have contemplated surviving. Nothing is easy, of course not: I'm still hurting to this day and I still suffer but it feels like I'm in a new process of learning that dwelling on the very many things I have to be miserable about won't change them and certainly will not help them - so the best way, not the easiest way it goes without saying, to go about dealing with them is to try to move on from them. Taking the positive from the negative may sound trite but it honestly is a practice worth preaching.
Watching life flash before my eyes primarily as I was being transported into the ambulance before being impaled by various sharp objects amidst a cacophony of screaming sirens and then secondly, far more temperately, when accompanying my friends - purely as a means of moral support - whilst they received their A level results to determine their university choices. It was a surreal and largely unpleasant experience on both counts; feeling an immense sense of waste and purposelessness, lack of power to resolve my fate. I was told however by somebody I later became, quite suddenly, very close to, something that though of course I had heard many a time before really struck a chord with the circumstances which I have just recounted: that life goes on. No matter how much it feels like you have frittered away your years, there are many more to come. You can use them precisely in the way you choose, whether that would mean wasting them some more, or fulfilling them with joy and love and accomplishment.
Taking life too seriously is a dangerous business, and living a little on the wild side has certainly paid off for me in recent times. Despite a horribly difficult day I plucked up the courage to join my friends to Brighton on the 15th August, and I didn't regret a minute of it. From dancing our hearts out in the grimey clubs on the seafront in defiance of the fact that half the time low potassium dictated that I couldn't feel my hands or feet, to meeting strangers, to getting high on the beach, and finally meeting a lovely guy and ending up staying the night at his, which happened to be something that I will remember for the rest of my life. He was a psychologist, much older than me, but seemed greatly intrigued by me - to which I cautiously asked whether I was a case study but of course the answer was a definite no - and we talked in depth I've rarely ventured with any soul on this earth for most of the night. Not only was it the best therapy I can say I've ever received but to feel loved for once was a wholeheartedly nourishing experience. In my frenzy however I left my camera at his flat which was stupid meaning I had to take a spontaneous trip back to Brighton the next day in the hope that I would somehow be able to find this obscure little flat, get inside and that he wouldn't be lecturing at university at that point in time. As it happened he wasn't there, but luck, or fate, or God knows what had it that when I somehow managed to find it that another resident popped outside and asked to borrow my lighter and kindly let me in after I explained the situation. After knocking on a few doors I eventually acquired the guy's number, though after it failed to save on my phone for a second time I managed to google how to transfer hidden numbers from the sim to the phone and voila, a message was sent and received. I proceeded, at a certain loss as of what next to do exactly to head to the Lanes where I knew I would feel safe, had a delicious black Earl Grey with three calorie-free sweeteners of course accompanied by an American Spirit rollie outside Costa and begun to feel quite alone. I'd been watching someone opposite who I had assumed to be homeless, bearing a hand-written sign reading: CHANGE IS INEVITABLE for quite some time and decided to follow my impulsive trait which had brought me such joy over the past twenty-four hours and go and talk to him. We did for perhaps an hour, which was lovely - he was a squatter who had travelled all over the world; he wasn't looking for money, only to spread some positivity as it were. It was truly inspiring. He said he hoped that I would get better. I said that I hoped that I would too.
Thankfully everything resolved itself. Shortly afterwards I was reunited by my somewhat worse-for-wear (on my part) camera and headed home. Now after days of attempting to write and complete this overly elaborate tale I can finally say that I am concluding it on a brighter note than tradition would allow. There have been many ups and downs over the course of this holiday so far and the one thing you can rely on family dynamics for is to be taught: but I know that there is no point ruminating on misery, or absorbing others' suffering. It manifests itself in me, I'm quite aware of that, but if a lesson can be learnt from any of this, it should be to give yourself a fucking break once in a while.
It's a quiet maelstrom into which I'm slipping. Glassy whirls of cosmic haze have caught me adrift and I can do nothing but watch myself from afar as my uninhabited form spins in dizzying descent.
I only wish there was a soul on this earth who had lived as much as I have in my short years. Everyone is through with me so prematurely, through with dealing before I've ever had my share; I am thus left a stranger on this lonely road still burdened with the ghosts of my past - bereft and abandoned, that dark, sharp-taloned Raven known as sorrow the sole companion for my journey. No-body knows the suffering from which I am desperate to be relieved.
This curious new path was largely unknown to me before, or at least to this extent. It feels as though life is spiralling into a state of unprecedented chaos and I do not know how to halt the progression, or even if I would if I could. Everything is taking over me and in my frailness I merely succumb to the tide. I'm tired, so very tired and the task of sustaining my defences during such an unholy war is becoming too much. It has been three nights since I slept at all and some time without food. Now a rather more fresh addiction - if the term is valid - is spinning the world beyond mere delirium and into further disarray.
My altered state is albeit a highly disorientating one in which the vision before me is a rippling vision of flickering scenes in progressive time zones; meaning that I have no idea which scene - which world - is reality and which was simply a transient precursor of the scene to follow, only to vanish like a dream. I am rapidly waking and re-waking into yet another dream after dream. The world is not true. Reality cannot be. Though I am not afraid: there have been times where I have fallen into this experience accompanied by feelings of intense terror and desperation to be secure and finally grasp what is real again. Now, however, I can let it wash over me, and treat the voice as a friend.
Yet why do these behaviours cause my conscience a small sense of discomfort when they remain my only means of surviving a life that I cannot cope with? It seems cruel that the door to my shelter is also the one to my prison cell.
In all honesty I don't give the highest regard for my own existence, but I have this great fear for the sake of others that something has set in motion that I will not be able to turn back from. There is already so much to contend with but my reality is becoming so deranged and distorted that I am uncertain what to do. I want all of this to be gone and to never have been at all.
It was raining an awful lot even though earlier it had been a good day except only weather-wise because I was having a bad day. So I thought, I’m going to go on a really long walk from Shinewater through Langney past Pevensey up to Sovereign Harbour and round to Princes Park and burn the zero calories I’ve consumed today and chill the fuck out. Mojo was asleep so I thought I’d go it alone, with my phone, like a gnome. Then I thought, whilst on this walk, fuck, this is taking me a long time. And I’m alone. I don’t like being alone. And I’m fucking tired. It’s raining, which is, without a shadow of a doubt, an absolute pathetic fallacy for my mood and life in general. But at least that means I can wear my Dad’s massive Barbour which makes my legs look slightly less fat. I’m going to have to employ coping mechanisms. What coping mechanism can I use in this situation? Probably the two I prepared earlier. I find being at my Dad’s really difficult and and I don’t care what you say for every means there is a just cause or something.
So I was walking along and by this point I was getting really tired. I passed two young lovers and a sleeping ice cream van and it made me think some more thoughts for a while. I was coming up to the Langney roundabout which seemed longer than it was but I’m really very very sorry that this story is getting too long. Holy moly. I wasn’t really thinking particularly hard as I was crossing a road but I was wise enough to know that when a red fiesta is approaching from the left it’s fair to cross as long as it’s in the distance so I did and the prick didn’t even have to slow down but he beeped because I had to maybe run a tiny bit but mainly because he was a prick which scared the shit out of me and when I landed on the other side of the road my heart was doing a funny dance and not a pretty one at that. By this point I figured that I might not quite make it all the way to Princes Park tonight. So I sat down at the nearest bus stop and said ‘Fuck’ out loud, like a don, because my bag was so heavy. I sat there for either ten minutes or ten hours and watched the rain, watched a bus pass, nearly stop with the bus driver glancing back and forth at me as he approached deliberating whether or not I was worth picking up, but then carry on; then I decided to stand up. As I was doing up my bag I realised that it had suddenly caught up on me and that everything was rippling tremendously and my self-dialogue was getting really really loud and I was beginning to have vivid conversations with myself in my head but with happy thoughts as oppose to sad ones and I thought I’m fucked this is good.
I figured that I wasn’t going to make it home and I was beginning to worry as I didn’t fancy sleeping on the side of the road and I didn’t have the heart to phone my Dad and trouble him to jump in his car and collect me. So I turned around and started walking back and tried to phone Mum to tell her that I was having a lovely walk and it was turning my day around even though I was super tired and secretly worried about getting home and Dad making me have something to eat but she didn’t answer her phone. So I carried on and thought, let’s burn some more and shake things up a bit more. Let’s make this interesting. The cemetery would make an interesting route but then I remembered that that’s what horror movie directors would call creepy so maybe not. So instead of going all the way back to Milfoil Drive I took a left at Friday Tree, which made me a tiny bit pleased because I noticed that it was actually supposed to say Friday Street. I walked and walked and walked - it seemed to take forever and ever and ever. I like that symmetry. symmetry that like I .I reckoned that I would have to turn left at some point to basically do a circle on myself and end up back at Milfoil which I also thought was pretty damn clever but the only turning ahead said something Drive, but no it said Grove… Drive, Grove, Drive, Grove, which one could it be? What will this strange location be like? Drive suggests a closed end.. whereas Grove suggests a road with trees…. Which one? Am I squinting as much as I think I am? Suddenly. The obscurity evaporated: DROVE! I have no idea what that means. Still, I walked on and decided to take the next left because by the time I had finished thinking I had passed Something Drove anyhow. By this time I was on my second spliff.
After a while I saw a white camper van ahead which reminded me of pleasant memories of happy families and holidays to the Isle of Wight in Dad’s converted ambulance. Then fuck, my roach fell out. I think I might have told my Mum if I was still on voicemail, or imagined telling my Mum, or told myself or someone else that it was a filter and then following the phrase with copious giggles. I tried to put it back in but with little success as the roll was pretty goddamn wet with all the rain and all so I thought I’d go without, like the master that I am. I thought also, this is going to get me fucked. Like drinking from the bottle. Without the filter. Or maybe not. I don’t know. It’s getting to the point that I wish this psychological diarrhoea would give it a fucking rest to be frank. Anyway. Enough of that. I reached the camper van and realised it was parked in a pub carpark. I thought, maybe I could be an absolute daredevil like my Dad and sneak through the carpark and over the trees at the back and hope there’s not a brick wall on the other side or any parents putting their children back into the family car or police vans called to a local brawl. So I strolled through as nonchalantly as I possibly could wet spliff in hand and sometimes mouth and did a runner through the trees but as I write this my phone is sporadically vibrating because it keeps thinking it’s on charge but there is no wire plugged in and even my brother agrees I’m not making this up I swear to God it’s freaking me out IT’S MESSING WITH MY MIND. And I keep getting distracted by my Rowan’s incessant babbling that he pulled his tooth out and that he hid it under the sofa for me yesterday followed by the exultant phrase ‘Yeah Mimi eat i’ in a bowwl.’ But anyway. Thankfully there was no brick wall.
Then I had no idea where the hell I was. Sorrel Drive No.1-2 I thought, better not walk up there or you’ll be sorrel. So I went left again and thought I don’t recognise that construction site but then I thought just ignore it best ignore things you don’t recognise. I passed an elderly lady walking her dog as I trudged on and I really was beginning to wonder if I was going to make it home at all and I was so bloody thirsty but I smiled real horrorshow. Then I thought I saw a part of the bus route home I recognised but then I thought just ignore it best ignore things you recognise. Eventually I came to the top of the hill and I turned one of two directions and it was going okay again.
I carried on walking, I definitely saw a real-life squirrel. Then I turned out exactly where I wanted to be - homeward-bound that is - so kind of not so much where I wanted to be. I’m not sure now. Things seem good. I thought I know what I’ll do I’ll surprise the boys by coming in the back way and running in to the glass doors splat all soggy and shout hello but then I thought that would be rather undignified so I searched for my front door keys in my bag. I felt what I thought was the antique miniature bottle of eau de parfum attached to my keychain that I bought for a few euros in an amazing vintage warehouse in Treguier not Trebuchet in France last summer when everything was lovely but it was in fact my sugar-free fresh mint breath spray and all I kept thinking was I must brush my teeth when I get home I must brush my teeth when I get home I must brush my teeth when I get home and several more visionary scenarios branched off from that.
This isn’t how I normally write I’m in quite an altered state of mind.
On the way back I think I might have overheard/seen some domestic abuse. I still feel bad about that. I carried on walking. A police car drove past and I thought that was lucky/nearly unlucky had they passed earlier or had I been a slightly faster walker which for once makes me thankful I was tired and then I imagined a whole scenario had any of the above alternatives arisen involving policemen searches which I won’t go into.
Then I got home and I was very wet. On my hair. On my head. Then I sat down and wrote this story, even though it took a little while because I got distracted by family banter which was nice, watching Gulliver’s Travels intersected by sexual innuendos, my macbook being out of battery, taking ‘I wonder how tired I look ‘photos on Photo Booth after I plugged it in, then my Dad bringing me his reading glasses which he has used as he has got older and his eyes weaker basically suggesting that my eyes are shit which made me laugh and cry a little bit but the glasses were super funky so then taking more photos of that. I’m sorry that wasn’t a list of three, I’m really sorry about that.
So there you go. There’s your bedtime story for the night kids (except probably not for kids.)
Essentially, this story was already written word for word in my head on the way home.
I’m thoroughly surprised that I remembered it all to be honest.
In some uncertain light, comfort sighs. The soul's kawanami.
It's more than strange to have known absolute happiness amidst such intense grief. I had not thought it possible. Lying there as though I could forever in perfect, inexplicable contentment, when for the most part I long to escape the torture that is life altogether - these sentiments blossomed, vernal sacraments promising a future and a hope.
Suddenly I am lost for words. I generally try not to censor the flow despite every anxiety that the result is a stream of consciousness which is emotionally elaborate in excess - yet now I find that every expression is a struggle. I don't know how to explain what I cannot, what I will never be able to be. It has been the strangest week of my entire life - which is saying an awful lot given that I've been in various psychiatric institutions - and I just don't know where to start.
I'm still in a state of partial disorientation after the week's indulgences in copious quantities of substances I shouldn't be using but it's a reflective condition; one during which I have the ability to recognise, my thoughts order and release them in a hopefully reasonably comprehensible form as oppose to having some absorbent glass wall deaden every vessel of meaning in my mind and heart and then shoot from its exterior an action which is so entirely undetermined it seems as though it was born from thin air. Despite the sad reality that the almost frighteningly dizzying highs are subsiding, and my mood mellowing in accordance, I am still able to appreciate the good times that have been. I cannot and will not let myself crash completely.
The week was far from devoid of turbulence, commencing with a wild night in Brighton spent, after a great gig with friends, chasing someone such an emotional and physical wreck that she was a danger to not only herself but others around her including me and those I was with. I don't think it was situations of trauma and moments of intense anxiety including various panic attacks that made it such an extraordinary week however; quite the opposite: for once in my whole life I found myself wanting to hold myself in a moment of time forever and ever as oppose to wishing it away completely. Newer still it wasn't only for the wrong reasons. It wasn't purely for starvation or the influence of intoxication, though undeniably both played a substantial part. I knew peace.
Insecurities will always invade any suggestion of a relationship which exists in my world. Somehow here however, some reciprocal connection, an inexplicable bond which I doubt can be defined so simply as lust or even love or good company rendered a sense of ease between us - we were, quite unconditionally, meant to be together at this time. Fate. Magic.
Now after the bliss of discovering, at least for one transient moment, true happiness I am slightly at a loss. I don't know where to find myself without another, when it seems that it is in that other that I have found home. I long to feel the comfort of being embraced again and adoring such a gesture as oppose to feeling terrified in its grasp. The sense of security once is beginning to become evanescent, drifting ever more distant on the horizon and thus persuading me further toward a means of gratifying self-destruction. Though I know this road well and have been on it for some time now it seems the downward trajectory is accelerating with alarming abruptness which contradicts the easy tranquility of my more pleasant mood and the preceding events. Physical deterioration is beginning to set in more rapidly than before, almost as some ironic remark from the universe about the imbalance of life. Maybe this is all I will ever know: my situation being good at one end of the spectrum means everything on the other must suffer as a result. Either way, I would sacrifice anything for the brief bliss I have known over past times - something I never imagined I would ever express.
My body may well be worn but my heart has found a rhythm which I hope can find the will to sustain. It's difficult to keep a hold on an abstract feeling, especially one so rarely felt. I can only try to remember.
It's difficult to self-express in the light of this dizzying oblivion. I do not know what's real anymore. I'm not sure who I am; what I've done. I don't know if any of the past week happened, or whether it was a dream, or even if I'm still locked in such a curious succession of images and events, of rippling sensations that may or may not be reality. Though the intense feelings of disorientation are subsiding with tentative lethargy I am not yet grounded. Still it seems difficult to determine where I am, if I 'am' at all. I promised myself that my entry to follow my Parisian adventures would be entirely devoid of misery; that my bons sentiments would sustain themselves after my return to England. Tragically it's past the point of refusing to acknowledge the fact that I've crashed since coming home, for I have plummeted deeper than ever. Relaying the positivity I felt throughout my time in France will remain the priority of this post, but I cannot deny the fact that I don't know quite where I stand with myself. It was a beautiful vacation - truly and utterly perfect. During our journey to London my manic excitement was thriving to such an degree that I could not imagine that it was reality, in a thrillingly delirious sense, not the dull confusion I know now. Pessimism forewarned me that something was going to go wrong. We would miss our coach from Victoria to Bercy, it was inevitable. Or maybe there would be a confusion at check-in, we'd forgotten the relevant documents or something. Perhaps even a horrific accident - to collapse and die before we'd even reached our destination would be so fitting with the scheme of the melodrama that is my life. To my surprise, everything went relatively smoothly. The 11-hour coach journey was anxiety-inducing to say the very least and it wasn't only me who found it a challenge - Lucy too was weary after a night's discomfort and lack of sleep - but after that rough patch we had arrived in Paris and everything was wonderful.
We stayed in the centre of Montmatre, minutes away from the stunning Basilique de Sacre-Coeur. I could not remember the last time I had been so blissfully happy - never without pale sorrow staining the outskirts of my ecstasy of course, but, comparatively content. It wasn't only everything that we did over the brief vacation which was so incredible, but to be so at ease with another person, to feel happy with them - it was the most valuable aspect of the whole experience. There was not one moment that I felt anything other than wonderfully comfortable with Lucy; whether we were laughing non-stop or walking leisurely around the canal in silence. It is almost too good to be true to have someone you love so much.
Meeting my beautiful sister Jane after so long was more lovely than I can describe. The picturesque settings of Le Jardin de la Vie Romantique, home to George Sand and Chopin were beautiful - it could not be more perfect for Jane and her partner Niz to impart their good news of my sister's pregnancy. We then travelled to Le Louvre art gallery where fate had it that we should meet my friend from youtube Clara (even though we hadn't expected to be lucky enough to find her amongst the rippling hoards of tourists!) The art of course was breathtaking but meeting Clara too was incredible. For the first time in a long time, I felt inspired to be alive. The meloncholy beauty of the Père Lachaise Cemetery, the majesty of Le Tour Eiffel, the bustling busy of the inner city juxtaposed with the ethereal peace of the Sacre-Coeur - suddenly existing was farther from the torturous end of the spectrum and nearer to exquisite.
Physically, it was a struggle. Walking for miles round the beautiful city each day was a joy, albeit one that took its toll; particularly when I was existing purely on a little soya milk in my tea in the mornings, administered by my friend. Nevertheless that was a milestone for me to accomplish, given that I've never consumed calories under the supervision of figures of greater authority than Lucy, be that my parents or a medical professional. It was very, very difficult, but I did it, I got by. I trusted her when she told me it was alright, and that I needed it, and after the first sip of tea I managed to convince myself that I wasn't doing it, or simply numb the anxieties away, cigarette in hand. At that point I could feel a little glimmer of pride, or at least thanks to my dear friend for supporting me, with the knowledge that if she hadn't then I wouldn't have had any energy at all to achieve everything that we did. I could not have been more thankful to her for encouraging me to drink half a hot chocolate when I was near to collapse on our last night, for it allowed for more dancing at Le Paris Social Club - another fantastic experience. Perhaps the disorientation of returning to England didn't help matters, but tragically, since coming home I have suffered my most severe crash. It seems so unjust that other people can lead such temperate lives, with things either being - consistently for the most part - reasonably good or reasonably bad. I have the misfortune of clinging to a pendulum oscillating between states entirely diametrically opposed: either things are on a surreal high, or a low so intense that I am desperate for death. Subsequent to the thrill of Paris, it shames me to say that my mood has plummeted to the latter condition. I made a vow to myself on the way home that I would ensure that my positive memories of our adventures would sustain my sentiments. However, inevitably what goes up must come down - it seems this may well be the story of my life of which I have no control. It hurts to feel so utterly bereft; that nowhere provides any peaceful sanctuary for you, a homeless wreck. After coming back to Sussex it is almost as though it has confirmed to me that the pain will not end. Every time that things seem to be good, they are destroyed before I have had the chance to fully embrace them. Everything I love turns to shit. Seeing the Rolling Stones should have been the best night of my entire life. Instead I spent the morning having the worst panic attack I have ever suffered after a period of intense dissociation and loss of control the previous night to the extent that my Mum nearly called an ambulance out of fear that I was having a heart attack. Nothing can describe the crippling pain of despair, which physically grips every nerve, each vital organ being crushed as though in the claws of some demonic force with a lust for blood. Neither of us thought I'd make it to Hyde Park, but after escorting me on the train my dedicated mother managed to hand me over to my Dad, and eventually I came to be glad that I had gone after all. I cannot even express how incredible the Stones were. I was crying again, but with awe, and perhaps the residues of the morning's torment. Jagger's boundless energy, the screams of the hundreds of thousands of fans and the fireworks filling the London skies following the last bursts of their encore... I can only wish that I had been in a better place to make the absolute best of the moment, as oppose to shrivelling to a shell of a person as soon as the ecstasy of the evening had left me. Things have to change, and they have to change for good. I simply cannot go on like this any longer. I need to find shelter somewhere. I want to be able to say that I'm doing better, and that I'm happy to be living. Misery seems to hit at the worst moments and I've never wished to be someone else more in all my life, especially with more important events approaching including my sixth form prom. It seems as though I can't escape myself - neither the excruciating volatility of my mind, nor the grotesqueness of the body in which I'm trapped. I want everything to be okay again. For this neverending war to be over. All I can do is battle on.
I'm commencing this entry in the context of great uncertainty as to how to begin. I will endeavour to keep the narrative of a lighter nature than it typically transpires to be, but I'm afraid of setting such an expectation given that, as ever, it's when things are particularly difficult that I feel the need to write self-indulgent essays by way of some desperate catharsis. So please forgive any misery-ridden expression to follow.
It's an unpleasantly contradictory situation to be in - feeling both horribly alone and overwhelmed by the scrutiny of others. I've recently found myself suffering such a circumstance even more than usual. In starting my second year of sixth form over again I can't help but feel lost and abandoned without the small but wonderful circle of friends whom I would usually dote and depend on. Once again I seem an alien in an environment I was already far from comfortable with. To be on an entirely different level to my peers - not in superior way - is incredibly isolating. I simply cannot relate. How could I? These people know nothing about me or the suffering behind my social front even though that is through no fault of their own, so when they go about their trivial chatter it's inevitable that I feel more distant than ever. The sense of exposure doesn't help my already soaring anxieties. It's horrible to be literally stared at by most of the younger years and unforuntately this is not paranoia talking. Paranoia is merely the consequence of their glares: I wonder what is going through their minds to cause them to feel the need to blatantly nudge their friends and point, then follow me with their eyes and whisper amongst one another. Are they gossiping about that girl wearing the weird clothes? Or worse, are they questioning why I should be allowed out in public looking as fat and grotesque as I do? It has got to the point where I've had brush ins with year 8s, being assaulted with sarcastic remarks or less-than-kind comments after I ask them (admittedly not-so-politely myself) to stare at something other than me. In all honesty it's troubling me more and more everyday in accordance with my increasing discomfort with my own body, living with the burdens that I do.
People are strange. Everything seems unsettling and frightening when one seems a stranger to the rest of society; either completely unknown or known too much. Socialising is such a daunting process, made worse by feeling on a completely different planet to everyone else. There are very, very few who understand, who I can actually converse with to a degree which exceeds the frustratingly unfulfilling conditions of empty small talk. Lack of empathy combined with my heightened sensitivity render the smallest remark as a source of great distress for me. I wish there was some way of presenting what I've been through and how I'm still struggling terribly without fearing the judgement of others. Despite being reserved and introverted in nature it makes it all the more difficult to get through the day when no-one appears to have any comprehension of how much words can hurt. Even the most inadvertent comments about mood, personal experiences with regards to hospital or food - from those suffering from eating disorders as well as those who are lucky enough not to be afflicted with such a soul-destroying disease - have the power to trigger the depressive, self-destructive voice in my brain until there is very little spirit or rationality left in me. I don't really know what to do anymore. It's a perpetual enigma; to be both terrified of being alone and fearful of human contact, desperate to communicate socially but utterly unable to relate.
I know I've got to hold on but I'm so exhausted that it's painful. I'm going to Paris with my best friend in less than a week and I don't feel ready at all; I want so desperately for us to have the time of our lives together but I'm so very fearful that my raging insecurities will ruin everything. This new adventure simply has to be a turning point for me; a goodbye to pain and trauma - but I have this absolute terror that I won't even make it on the trip. I somehow need to nullify this despair and emotional instability within five days. I need to no longer be on the brink of suicide by Sunday night.
Think of the good things. Grin and bear being around others until the agony of isolation subsides. In crisis seek those you love. I know all of these things but it's a challenge to say the very least to put them into practice whilst my mind and heart feel cast adrift in a vast ocean of emptiness.
I know that biting the bullet is the hardest part so I'm trying my best. I'm persevering with sixth form in spite of my hopelessness, in an effort to pass the time more than anything until France. Something has to inspire my hope and joy again. If I can make it, hopefully life will become less of a torturous experience and more a blessing, or at least a challenge I feel equipped to face.
I'm growing horribly tired of either feeling too much or feeling nothing at all. It seems there is no comfortable medium, no bliss of relative contentment - only the agony or short-lived thrill of an extreme. The rapid and intense oscillations of temperament are persuading me to a point of exhaustion. Feeling nothing is unpleasant. It might not be painful, but it surely renders a sickening discomfort to the newly barren expanse of existing as a ghost. At times it almost seems as though feeling absolutely nothing at all is worse than feeling hurt. The chronic emptiness, the crippling loneliness... they are like a nausea which will not go away... I am washed out at sea, indolently rocked by the ocean's currents which keep me afloat but leaves me lost. I can somehow miss the interjection of pain amidst the vast, grey void. At least it reminds us that we are alive. The lows are, understandably, pitiful. Once sunken into the dark, unfathomable depths it is seemingly impossible to drag oneself from the mire. You can fall unexpectedly too; in a moment a minor incident can throw you from the level terrain of comparative emotional stability into the rocky chasm of absolute turmoil. Worse still, the higher you fly, the deeper you plummet. The potential for subsequent despair jades even happiness with a sense of danger and trepidation. I don't think I'd be here however without the sporadic highs. Disorientating though they can be when the mania and hyperactivity is so intense that I feel I might be losing myself in the exhilarating whirlwind of my thoughts and actions, to be floating above one's surroundings in a strange yet delightful haze of delirium can be an oasis amidst an otherwise torturous existence. Who wouldn't want to feel happy? Even if the manic sentiments are purely superficial, an armour of glorious ecstasy enveloping and, ephemerally, eclipsing the internal anguish, they still feel better. I could describe it like being in a curious daydream you don't want to wake up from. Logic tells you it is all a figment of the imagination and will soon swiftly leave your mind in a potentially abrupt and frightening manner, a flurry of newborn starlings leaving their nest; but this knowledge does not necessarily hinder you from (foolishly) allowing yourself to be swept up in the romance of the euphoric sentiments. It truly is a crying shame that the good times all have to come to an end. More often than not I find they meet a miserable fate. It isn't just the volatility which is draining, but the nature of my sensitivity and relation to others in terms of what has been described as a 'fatal sense of empathy.' I simply cannot stop feeling for other people. Blotting paper for the suffering of others, I can't help but absorb their pain on top of my own. I know that it is only detrimental for me given that it reliably sends me into self-destruct mode, but upon hearing that there is someone struggling or witnessing their decline I become dangerously pre-occupied, even if the anxieties go unspoken. It literally kills me. I can cry myself to sleep over someone who, though I've never met, I'm aware is in poor health; or spend hours ruminating, worrying myself sick over those poor girls I left behind in that horrible place. What am I supposed to do to stop seeing and feeling all this suffering? There is no way to expunge my thoughts of worry, nor my breaking heart of its pains for them. There is so much hurt everywhere; I just can't not notice it. I can't stop it from affecting me, more deeply than I can begin to describe. It is utterly impossible to detach my mind or heart from it: I cannot forget, I cannot forget, I simply cannot forget. In essence it isn't just that I've been through too much; it's that I've seen others go through too much and it still haunts me day and night. I mind that there are people out there in misery who I am powerless to help, and I mind to a damaging degree. Of course it is difficult for anyone to move on, but the past seems inescapable for me, as does the continuation of suffering which pervades the present. There is little solace from the perpetual grief - I am sad to say - and I'm not sure how to go about finding any, unless in the near future there were to be some technological advancements toward brain transplants which as it is I may well be morally wary about. Perhaps there is no answer. No escape from my woes. Is it possible for one's life to embody an eternal grief process? If I cannot turn off my mind the best thing I can do I suppose is to enrich my life with joy as oppose to allowing myself to succumb to the darkness within. I am endeavouring to look forward instead of back but it is far from easy when it truly is a day-to-day battle. Maybe I need to accept that I will always be emotionally fragile as a result of what has happened, and particularly susceptible to the stresses suffered by others as well as myself; I might never be able to move on. The best thing I can do for now is to live, in spite of it all. I will; for those I love and care for if not for myself. I have good experiences ahead of me if I can make it and - typically, as a testament to my rapidly fluctuating mood - I am determined to. I am going explore the wonders of this world with those most precious to me. I am going to embrace new discoveries and take joy in the positive memories I do have deep down. If only there was a way to erase the anterior areas of the brain which have been wounded by trauma and torment... perhaps my mind and spirit would be sanctuaries rather than cemeteries.
